self compassion – Dancing with Flours

I should be able to handle my life.

I should be more emotional stable.

I should be more patient with my kids.

I should have gotten the dishes done.

I should have simplified my life more so I wouldn’t be a mess again.

I should, I should, I should…the list could go on and on.

should
/SHo͝od,SHəd/
verb
used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticizing someone’s actions.

As I think about all the times I use this word, I feel burdened by expectations, some mine and some I’ve allowed to be imposed upon me. I feel inferior to this fictional version of myself that I and the world have created. I am not a supermom, superwife, or superhuman. And I am not meant to be.

Genesis 1 reminds me that I am created by God. It reminds me that I am good. Period. And it reminds me that rest is good. I can’t earn God’s love by overworking myself and, consequently, my family.

A friend recently suggested that I listed to this podcast on Genesis 1. He thought that I would find the teachings on the Sabbath helpful. The podcast is produced by BEMA discipleship which is a program attempting to return to a more rabbinic approach to discipleship. Here is a portion that I transcribed starting around the 38:20 mark.

I don’t find my value in the fact that my life is put in order. I found my value because I am simply created and loved by God. And all of Sabbath is about that thing. If what I am doing on Sabbath, if I am doing any work, I am doing it wrong. If I am not playing and resting, I am doing it wrong. If it’s not reminding me I am loved by God. Sabbath should be a day that sets us free to remember what is most true about God’s creation. One of those refrains we talk about it is was good. This story flies in the face at what humanity as taught us; that the world is screwed up. But that is not the most fundamental, core, essential truth about creation. Creation is good. The first lesson in the scripture tells us what is most fundamentally true about creation is that it is Good. That when God made it He rejoiced over it and enjoyed it. And invites us to today still, even in the midst of its brokenness, to do the same thing, to remember what’s most true about creation and what’s most true about us. Not the lie that we want to buy into the other six days of the week. And I think that rest that you were asking me about, its also metaphorical, it’s big picture. It’s not just practical. I think it’s also a posture we carry through life. We either live in a posture of fear and insecurity. That we don’t have enough and we aren’t enough. And we just have to keep doing because God is angry at us and God is mad at us. And Genesis says “God’s not angry at creation. God’s not mad at creation. God’s not inflicting chaos. God loves creation. God rejoices over creation. It was good. It was good. It was good. It was very good.” God rejoices over creation. And that effects my posture in life. If I believe that God really feels good about creation and values and accepts me, it changes my posture from one of scarcity to one of abundance. I either have the view of scarcity. That there is not enough. That everyone is mad. That is all going to fall apart. Or I have the view of this life that is an abundant. A view that there is more than enough. That God has given this world everything he needs to and that he loves it and care for it deeply. And if this is lesson number one then it’s going to shape the way we read all the rest of scripture.

I need permission to just be, to rest, and to heal.

I have always operated with the mentality that if I can physically fit a task, meeting, or activity into my schedule then I should do it. I needed to prove my worth to my self and to the world.

A few weeks ago, I sat in my unheated sun room on a -4oF day soaking in the surprising warmth of the sun overwhelmed by all the ways that I wasn’t enough, with no capacity to move forward or figure out how to get unstuck. After 30 mins of my downward spiral of negative thinking, an idea came to me. What if I stopped myself every time I began to think or say the phrase “I should” and replaced it “I can” or “I could”. Can and could indicate possibility, not obligation.

Living a life focused around lists and should ofs feels like living in the future, always looking ahead and focused on what can be. It feels like trying to earn love and belonging because of what I do, not because of who I am. My kids are forcing me to learn to live in the present and I am ever so grateful for this lesson. I am learning to ask in stressful moments (which usually involves being needed by one or both of my beautiful children), “What can I do well right now?” Often the answer is not something on my conscious or sub conscious to do list. Often it is something like:

Have a dance party in the kitchen
Go on a walk
Snuggle on the couch and read a book
Build with Legos

I decided a few weeks ago to try an experiment. I decided to stop over thinking and over planning future events. I decided to stop allowing should ofs and lists to dictate my days. During this experiment, I did a mini lesson on bread making with some friends. I chose to spend a set amount of time planning and prepping for this event and then I chose to stop and let it be. It turns out, I did not bring everything I needed but it was fine. We made due with what we had and my friends enjoyed it. I saved countless mental hours from not over planning. Another part of this experiment has been to stop making daily to do lists that dictate what I do around the house. Our house is messier but we are thriving. There is more laughter and giggles. There is more book reading and snuggles. There is more playing and loving each other. And there is a significant reduction in crying. The laundry and dishes still get done but at better times. If the kids or my wife need me, then I stop and do that instead. I find other times to take care of my families basic needs. They do get done.

I am learning to give myself and my family permission to rest. I am showing myself and my family that love isn’t conditional on what we do but who we inherently are. I still want to be the best version of myself but I am learning that looks different then I once thought. Sometimes playing with my kids is my best version. Resting on a Sunday is my best version. Jesus’ life usually didn’t look like what those of his time thought it should and neither should mine.

Dr. Brené Brown asks in her book, Rising Strong, “Do you think, in general, people are doing they best they can?”

I feel like such a jerk to admit it but throughout most of my life, my answer would have been, “No”. I have always held myself to unattainable, high standards and while I have said those standards don’t apply to those around me, they have. And I hate that. I know those around me have felt that. They have told me in one way or another over the years. I have tried to reassure people and myself that I don’t apply the same standard for myself to others. But when I read that question a few weeks ago, the truth felt like a slap across the face.

Brené’s husband, Steve, is a pediatrician. He deals with the parents of sick children everyday and probably sees many of them at their worst. But his answer to the above mentioned question is so full of compassion.

I don’t know. I really don’t. All I know is that my life is better when I assume that people are doing their best. It keeps me out of judgment and lets me focus on what is, and not what should or could be.

I am sure he has children’s best interests at heart and will do what it takes to keep them safe. As a parent, I read that from him and think about how safe his office must be. When my own kids are sick and we end up in the doctors office, it can been easy to feel defeated and disappointed in myself. It must be my fault. I should have been able to do better.

My daughter has clubfeet. Her journey has been longer and harder than normal. It is so easy to fall into a cycle of self blame. I should have figured out that her treatment wasn’t right the first time around. I should have been more consistent with her stretches. I should have spent more times playing with her in ways that naturally encouraged correct feet positions. I can be so hard on myself. But then I look back on the last 16 months and remind myself I have done my very best every step of the way. Her current doctor, who is an amazing clubfoot specialist by the way, smiles at me every time I come in and says, “You are doing a great job.” He sees so many clubfoot cases of children who have been incorrectly treated in the past and has a justifiable case for being negative towards the parents and previous doctors of these children but he projects an assumption that we have all done the best we could for our children. It frees me from the cycle of guilt and self-loathing. It gives me permission to give that to others.

Jean Kantabmbu Latting is a professor of Leadership and organization development. While working on her post graduate degree, Brené recalls in Rising Strong during times of conflict with colleagues, Latting would ask:

What is the most generous assumption you can make about this person’s intentions or what this person said?”

During an insightful conversation with a friend last week, I told her about a loved one’s response to Lily’s coming out. I assumed their response was because they were ashamed of Lily and thus myself. My friend saw their hesitation as form of love. She suggested that maybe their hesitation came from a fear that they could no longer shield us from the world if more people knew. As I thought about the act of shielding or protecting someone, I thought about the amount of love that behavior requires. This shift in assuming their intentions in the most generous light, whether true or not, highlights the beautiful and life giving parts of our relationship.

Assuming people are doing their best with they tools they have right now, making the most generous assumption about their intentions, changes everything. It feels like freedom for me and, I hope, for them as well.

Cue the music…

Wait, wait, wait…there has to be a catch.

Maybe too much freedom, too much understanding and generosity can lead to being taken advantage of, to being hurt more. Hypothetically, if I assume everyone is doing the best they can, what happens if it still hurts? Do I have to allow it to be a part of my life, since it is their best?

I explained that very early on in my work I had discovered that the most compassionate people I interviewed also have the most well-defined and well-respected boundaries. It surprised me at the time, but now I get it. They assume that other people are doing the best they can, but they also ask for what they need and they don’t put up with a lot of crap. I live in the opposite way: I assumed that people weren’t doing their best so I judged them and constantly fought being disappointed, which was easier than setting boundaries. Boundaries are hard when you want to be like and when you are a pleaser hellbent on being easy, fun, and flexible.

Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, the mean it. They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment. – Brené Brown

I have said “yes” to things or volunteered out of self imposed obligation so many times in my life and it almost always leads to resentment. I am learning to identify my own boundaries and then learning how to express them. I feel guilt when I do, like I am being selfish. It reveals that I have limits, that I am human and that I am learning is a good thing. I am human. I am not a machine. I am not perfect. I cannot be everywhere. I cannot be everything for everyone. I am a mama bear. I am protective of my family. I have limits on what positions I will allow my family to be in. And as I have slowly expressed our boundaries, I don’t feel like I have to be quite as defensive. I still feel like I am in the thick of things but I can see its better.

My current season of life has been dynamic due to changes in our family’s lifestyle. It pushes me to to grow, and learn, and be honest about who I am.

Friends, please continue to be your authentic self. I want to learn from you. You inspire me.

Image source: littleredwindow.com

Category: self compassion

Should of’s, Sabbath, and Self Worth

Do you think people are doing they best they can?