Author: jes (Page 4 of 6)

This is technically my 3rd year celebrating Pride month but really, it feels like my first.  Something is different this year. Maybe it has to do with finally embracing who I am and having the courage to share myself with the world. Maybe Pride feels different because I am not longer in the closet.

Yesterday, while on a walk, I talked with my kids about what we are celebrating this month. I told them this month is about celebrating people being their authentic selves. My son started stealing his little sisters dresses last fall. For Christmas, he got to pick out his own skirt as one of his presents. He loves that skirt. He loves the rainbows on it. He loves how it twirls around him. He loved wearing it to the museum and preschool. And people love seeing him in it. I could see their faces light up when they saw how full of joy and confidence he is in it. When I was talking with him about Pride month, I said something to him that I have never said before. I gently ask him “Did you know that there are some people that say boys can’t wear skirts?”. He responded with confidence “I am a boy and I love wearing skirts.” I then assured him that we are celebrating that people  can wear clothing that makes them happy. I told him that we are celebrating that people can be whatever gender they know they are, not the one a doctor gave them at birth. We are celebrating that families can look different, they can have two moms or two dads. They can have one mom and one dad. They can even have three or more parents.

It’s not easy to be ourselves. There are people that may hurt us or make fun of us for being ourselves. When we hide who we are, we give people control of us that they have no right to wield. We die a little inside every time we submit to those expectations. The world becomes a little darker and less colorful.

This month is a time that we celebrate all the vulnerable people who paved the way for us today to be free to express ourselves in the ways that feel most natural. They path they paved is not just for the queer community. It for everyone. We all benefit when we makes the lives of marginalized people better.

I am aware of my smile. When my body is happy, she shares it will the world with the biggest of smiles.  It shows all my teeth and my gums. When my picture is being taken, I would tell my body to tone it down. I thought my smile was too much and others would think it looked funny. I don’t quite know why that habit formed but I want to unlearn it. I want her, my body,  to feel free to smile in the way that feel most natural and honest.

This week, I almost asked my partner if she thought my smile looked funny. I am so addicted to the  approval of others that I thought for a brief moment that I needed it so that I could love myself. To help me in my recovering from needing the approval of others, I asked her yesterday to refuse to answer questions like that.

Who cares if there are people out there who think that my smile is too much. When it is there, I am truly and unapologetically happy. And the only one she needs approval from is me.

Please enjoy this selfie of me and my body’s beautiful smile as I enjoyed an evening this past winter with my partner.

Last night, I was snuggling with my beautiful partner on the couch and I twisted her hair up into a messy up do. Please, let me me the first to tell you, she is absolutely stunning.  She radiates femininity.  In those moments that I wonder how I ever thought she was anything but her.

Living in a binary world, it is so easy to categorize everyone and everything into familiar boxes. But what is maybe even more damaging then the boxes is how hard it is to see when those categorizations become limiting or harmful and to then readjust those categorizations.

When I met my partner, I didn’t know transgender was in the relm of possibility. And I didn’t know that one day I was realized I was gay. She was neatly tucked into the box labeled “male”, and then into the box labeled “male friend” (which is definitely a separate box than female friend). Later she became the first to enter my “boyfriend” and “husband” box.  These boxes limited who she could become in my world. They came with sides and a top. They came with unspoken expectations.

When she came out to me as transgender, I had to begin dismantling the boxes I placed her in, partly as a gift to her so that she didn’t have to waste her energy trying to break out of them but also for my own sake. I couldn’t see the real her if I kept her inside of the expectations I placed her in. Also, If I can dismantle the boxes I built for her, maybe I can dismantle all the boxes I built for me. Maybe I can break free and learn what it means to be me.

When a person has the courage to speak up for themselves and admit who they truly are on the inside, they give those of us around them the gift of authenticity as well. This process has been so hard but the way I am learning to see myself and those around me show me everyday how much the struggle is worth it.

Please show me the real you. I want to know you.

“What if I am too much?”

This questions nags at me everyday. The world told me that selflessness was the most beautiful virtual a women could have.  I have been reflecting on the terms selfless and selfish these past few months. Selfless by definition is to be devoid of a self. Whoever decided the best a women could be was to not fully exist? Why have I allowed this message to control my life for over 30 years? Because it is easier. It is easier to spend my mornings cleaning house and folding laundry then to carve out time to shower or meditate or journal. The household runs more smoothly on the surface level when I pour myself out for my partner and my kids. Am I the only one who dies a little inside every time I deny myself and do what I think I should?

Last night, I had a selfish thought. The world’s voice told me it was too much. My beautiful self cried it was perfect. A inner debate quickly ensued leaving me feeling broken and small. I cannot go back to being without a self.

I cried and shared my struggle with my partner. She loved on my beautiful self.

Every single day, I will need to remind myself I am not too much so I can show my kids they are not too much either.

Photo by Jaime Hughes at https://www.birchandolive.com/.

After my lovely wife read my blog post, she came to find me to see how I was doing. She loves me and wanted to fix it. She asked if next time she should keep things to herself since she didn’t want to hurt me. I felt a ball of feelings burst out of me at that statement. In a sort of whisper yell, I said “You don’t get that kind of power”. As important as she is to me, she doesn’t get to take responsibility for my emotions. They are mine. I knew she meant well. I knew she wanted to protect me. But I didn’t want to be protected. I knew that my feelings of jealousy from early didn’t really have anything to do with her, it was about me. It was about me not taking time for myself. It was about me choosing sacrifice over self care and how that was hurting me. It was a wake up call. It was information that I wanted to know. I don’t want to be protected from that. I want to know.

On Saturday, I got up with the kids. We baked soft pretzels. I boxed up the extra pretzels and some cookies from the other day. After loading up the kids and the baked goods in the bike trailer, we biked the 1 mile to our new friends house. We hung out there for some time in their front yard talking and social distancing. Then we biked to another friends house to drop of the 2nd box of baked goods and chatted a bit more. It felt good to connect. I needed that. And my family needed me to do that for myself.

Tonight, I tried to walk so fast I left my feelings behind. I didn’t want them. Not sure what I thought would happen on my walk. Maybe I thought I could meditate and calm down. Maybe I thought I would find distraction on the walk. But it didn’t work. I knew 5 mins into the walk it wasn’t going to work but I kept going for 45 mins anyway.  So, here I am, facing my thoughts and feelings with no idea where that is going to lead.

This afternoon, my lovely wife took some well needed time for herself to talk a walk. She came back glowing and excited. She had ran into some new friends we have been trying to connect with. I felt like I should be happy for her. She needed this. But instead, I was jealous she got to see them instead of me. I was envious that she took time for herself. And most of all, I felt so ashamed for feeling all of that. I want to be happy for her but I can’t right now. All I can do is sit here and cry,  struggling with the desire to just fix myself.

But a little voice inside me is reminding me that I am not broken. I don’t need to be fixed.

……………………………………

Dear Jessica, it is ok to be sad. It is ok to be lonely. It is ok to grieve. It is ok to be human. It is ok to not have it all together. It doesn’t make you untruthful to feel sad and lonely in this moment even though you told people even early today that you were doing well. It is ok to not know what you are feeling or why. You don’t need to have answers or explanation. You can just be and that is beautiful. Period. Being doesn’t equal happiness. Being doesn’t equal thriving.   Being is attention.  Being is sinking into the moment no matter what is there. Being is loving yourself as you are. You are human. Human is messy. Messy is beautiful. You are beautiful.

I am beautiful. I am enough.

I am in that space between going and coming, between car and home.

My mind is full of of the future… plans, hopes, and worries.

The stillness of the night pulls me into the present.

I look up.

I see the stars.

I feel like I am shrinking, smaller and smaller as I take the expanse of the night sky.

I feel like withdrawing into myself, who am I in compared to all this?

The universe is so beautiful.

Then a small voice speaks up.

You are a part of this.

You belong here.

You are beautiful.

I feel myself pushing out from this smallness I confined myself in.

I am expanding to fill the night sky.

I am one with the stars and the space between them.

I am aware of the world around me.

It is pulsing with life, love, pain, and beauty.

I am aware of the world within me.

It is pulsing with life, love, pain, and beauty.

We are the world.

We are life.

We are love.

We are pain.

We are beautiful.

Photo via <a href=”https://www.goodfreephotos.com/”>Good Free Photos</a>

What do I want to be known for:

Being in the moment.

Being aware of the present needs of those around me.

Being compassionate towards myself so that I can extend that to others.

Being flexible and creative with what I have right now.

I recently was introduced to the author Glennon Doyle. She inspires me. Yesterday, she shared a short video on Facebook and Instagram and one line has stuck with me.

The only way to avoid death bed regret is to avoid bedtime regret.

Right now, in the midst of this pandemic, there is so little I know about the future. There has never been a better time for me to practice living one day at a time. Here is to today.

I want to be the same person regardless of who I am around. I need to stop filtering the person I show based on who you are. I want you to know me. I know this information will be hard for some of you to hear. I hope that we can talk about that.

Maybe some of you have assumed this but for a multitude of reasons, I wasn’t sure about it until recently. I identify as a lesbian. More specifically, a demisexual lesbian. I don’t really want to go into all the details online of why it has taken me this long to get to this realization, but if you want to ask me in person or over a phone call, I would be happy to talk about it. I am a member of the LGTBQ+ community and I am proud of that. It has been a rich and loving community to join. At first it felt like I had been drawn into this community because of my wife, but now I am so grateful to have already been a part of it as I have embarked on my own coming out journey.

This next part may be a bit more complicated to describe because honestly I am not quite sure where I am at. But regardless of my ability to articulate my beliefs, I want you to know that I am on a journey of spiritual discovery. Celebrating Easter last weekend with its focus on death, resurrection, and rebirth made this admission feel important and urgent. Maybe every day is a rebirth and a chance to live again. So, here I will share where I am today, and I am confident that tomorrow it will look a little different.

I am a follower of Jesus Christ and will continue to share the good news of unconditional love to everyone around me. I am a member of the universal Church as I embrace and love my humanity as well as yours. We are all connected on this journey.

I used to view God as an entity outside of myself at a higher level of consciousness, maybe a bit of a disembodied voice in the sky. Now, that has shifted to something more inside of myself and inside of all of us. I used to view the Bible as inerrant, a historical document to be taken literally. I can’t do that anymore. I don’t know if those things actually happened. But I do still find comfort and truth in many of its stories. The Bible is full of stories that touch on human struggles and joys that are just as much a part of our lives today as they were a part of the lives of people in the past. This line from V For Vendetta rings true for me as I think about my relationship with the Bible today: “Artists use lies to tell the truth. Yes, I created a lie. But because you believed it, you found something true about yourself.”

I still identify as a Christian but maybe that looks different for me than that identity does for you and that is ok with me. I am not sharing my thoughts to debate with you or convert you. I just want to be seen and known.

Last week, I came home from an evening event around 8:30. The snow was falling in big, heavy, slow clumps. The street was quiet. The kids were in bed. I saw my wife reading in the sun room. I knocked on the window and gestured for her to come outside. We walked arm and arm under the street lights with snow collecting in our hair a few houses down our street, crossed to the other side and walked back. It was romantic, peaceful, and absolutely perfect. We sat down in front of our fireplace and was talked about life for the rest of the evening. For that hour, everything was right.