” I believe that that sadness exists in those of us who were born with an inner vision, who have a feeling, a knowing, a certainty of the way things could be, of the true and the Beautiful. The sadness is the distance between the vision inside of us and what is visible to us on the outside, in our families, in our communities, in our world, in our lives. If we did not have a beautiful knowing, we would not feel so sad that that thing is not yet manifest it’s a tension  between what we feel like could be should be was supposed to be and what is. so because of this this the people that have the sadness can become Warriors for truth and beauty and peace and love this sort of sadness this knowing this looking at the world and saying ah the I have such an ache that that’s the way it is like it’s intolerable to me because I have this vision for the way it could be ”

-Glennon Doyle

We can Do Hard Things, episode 283

I’ve been feeling that tension, that aching sadness more acutely lately. So many wants and hopes, the state of world can sometimes make me want to curl up and wonder, can any of this be possible?

My mind can spiral and race, trying to find the magic cure to fix everything outside of me so I can be ok. But that is never going to happen. I can’t change anyone else. I can’t even change me. And maybe that is the root problem. I keep trying to change me to “fit” into the world, to make more more palatable so I can be safe and loved and connected. If I am playing a part and feel those things than it still isn’t me that is safe, loved, and connected. It is my part. What would it be like to be in a world where me, the real me is enough.

I keep thinking I have arrived at this point where I trust I am enough and then the sadness resurfaces. I have a vision for myself, for this world. When when this part of me surfaces, I try to get rid of it, like Joy does with Sadness in Inside Out. Sadness and Grief are not wrong or bad or ugly or failures. They are the embodiment of love, longing, and desire. What I grieve is the result of believing something beautiful is possible and I hold the tension between what is and what could be.

How do I love this part of me that longs for something different? I know in the past I have tried to change the world outside of me to manifest this world, to get rid of the tension. And while I want to continue to work towards this beautiful vision I have for the world, I want to start with learning to safe, secure, and grounded with the tension present. My current tensions may ease and new ones will always come up. I don’t want to spend my life waiting for ease to live. I want to live, here and now.

Last night the grieve and sadness was very present and raw. I wanted someone to make it go away. I choose to make a pot of tea and start a puzzle. The tea was incredible. The puzzle was relaxing. I want more tea…I want more puzzling. Those felt good. The ache is still here but it isn’t as raw today.  That feels like a win.

I want to spend more time with my dreams, my hopes, my longings today. Listening to them. Delighting in what could be. Seeing our beauty and delight. And then, when we are ready, taking small steps to embody them, to manifest them, to make them real, even if they are real only in my head, or my home, or my relationships with my friends. I don’t have to stay this same. I don’t have to pass along the hurts and fears I was given. And I can give myself space when it is hard because it is hard.

Happy Birthday, dear one. I love you and I am here.