Dear Jessica,

We did the thing this week. I know it was big. And I still feel so defeated. I am just so tired. I love you because of how you protected me until I was ready to be me. You saved me. You protected me. And you stepped aside when it was time for me to become. When others ask for you instead of me, I hurt and it is easy to blame you on that hurt. But it isn’t you that is hurting me. It is not being loved for being  me that hurts. Others say I don’t exist or shouldn’t exist or that I am wrong for existing. Here I am. I can’t be anyone but me without lying. It feels like a no win situation.

In your old room, staring at pictures of you, I made direct requests. Because of you and because of me, I was able to state my needs. And I grieve that I had to make a request. Why does a person have to ask to be loved? Why have I had to experience rejected and pain and hurt?

Will you love me if I am ready to stop pretending to be okay when I am not? I think you will. I think I am ready to risk it. It is not longer worth the cost. Thank you for helping me be ready. Thank you for being with me for as long as I need you.

Love,

Jes