Dear Jessica,

It feels weird to write that out. (And also weird that it is weird. That is all I knew myself to be for over 34 years. Now it feels foreign? But I digress…)  I was thinking about you today and about us and about me. Next week will be full of you, pictures of you, memories of you, and people who wish you were there instead of me. I had this realization that I also grieve and long for some of the things you had that I don’t have. And can we just say you aren’t just one person. There were so many version of you throughout the years. You were constantly becoming. You lived as fully as you could within the confines you had to stay inside of. I am getting to be so many of the parts you couldn’t be and with that comes grief and loss hand in hand with the fullness and joy.  I am struggling to contain it all, alone. Maybe I am not meant to. I think I still need you. I don’t know what it is like to life hand and hand with you. What if you don’t have to die so that I can live.

People are going to ask for you this week. What does it look like for us both to be there? I could be angry or sad every time they ask for you instead of me… They don’t see me or want me…. Who is going to love me for me?…

What would it be like to be securely attached to myself in that moment? To know that I am safe, loved, and enough, without them affirming or acknowledging me? I already contain what I need. We have done that together.

What would it be like to choose to bring you along? I know you brought me along all those years, even when we didn’t know I existed. I was there with you. I am here because of you. I can’t existed apart from you. I would have to cut off part of me. I know that some have to cut off parts to live. There are so many reasons that has to happen. What if there is another way for us that is unique to the way we experience this world?

You spent your whole life paving the way for me. I can see how much you tried to create a path for me to be known, to shield me from as much hurt and pain as you could. You held my hand as I began to take form and introduced me to everyone you knew who would hold me as lovingly and tenderly as you do. You were my shield and my support when others didn’t.

I think I thought I didn’t need you anymore. That it was time for you to just fade away. And maybe someday that time will come. I thought it should be now. hmm, “should”…

I am not ready for you to go. Will you stay until I am ready? Will you travel “home” with me? I don’t want to go alone.

I want someone who knows me and loves me to be there at the gatherings. I want someone who can share a glance with me when I am humanning. Like the gentle squeeze of a friend’s hand in a space, reminding me that I am not lost in the crowd, unseen.

I keep trying to human alone and it isn’t working. It feels empty or flat, like a picture with the colors muted or a song missing all the major and minor chords that bring it life. You bring aliveness to my life. Trying to hide you, leave you behind, or cut you off is hurting me. I don’t quite know what it will be like to bring you along either. Can I be my full expansive self with you there to?

I want to try, my love, hand in hand.

Jesik

 

P.S. I think I have a lot more to say. So many of these thoughts have entire stories and ideas to unpack and visit. Can we talk again soon?