today, i cried
you were alone
i wish you hadn’t needed to be alone
i know you needed to
i still ache for what could have been
the future you saw for us
the future i saw for us
i still had more love for you
i still have more love for you
and for me

you made space
for those around you to human
you humaned so fully
maybe too much for one person
i wish you could have told me more
it could have been scary
it would have been beautiful
it was never meant to be just you
holding it alone

you unlocked eyes in me that see
the sacred
the holy
in myself
in others
you listened when i told you
the things i wanted to keep hidden
and you loved
i didn’t know those parts were lovable
i know now
thank you

you taught me to hold those parts
with all the tenderness and awe i am capable of
for myself
for others
you live on in the way i love
and hold space
the hurting or scared parts are a treasure
they are real and raw
i am learning to let others see the real and raw me
thank you for that parting gift
it has become my lifeline
my mantra to live into each moment
finding peace with who i am
and sharing that peace with those around me

will i ever stop thanking you
for coming into my life
for changing my life
i hope not
i have a lifetime of love
and grief
and gratitude

i get to keep living
and giving
and loving
i know there are days i don’t want to
i just want to stop
it all feels so heavy
and hard
on those days i circle back to ease
i text a friend
i drink a perfect cup of tea
or doodle for an hour
practice the art of being

i still write texts to you i never send
forming the words i want to say
heal and comfort my soul
i can know how you would respond
the look i would have see in your eyes
those incredible eyes

i miss your eyes
do you remember the night you asked me
about eye contact
i remember feeling naked
terrified to be seen
and so grateful to be seen
i didn’t realize i could say how i was feeling
i didn’t know all of feeling were safe to feel
so i would hold myself apart for others
you noticed
you gently pulled me back
i am learning to allow others in too
you showed me i could
i don’t want to hide anymore
thank you

i am different after you
i would do it again
loving you
grieving you
all worth it

i am going to keep living
and loving
i wonder who i can become
i know we will be beautiful

thank you, Kelsey
i love you, always