Is sitting with pain like working a muscle? You come again and I greet you, warmly at first. You remind me that I have the ability to feel now and I cherish that. But soon, I forget the life that feeling brings and I am ready, once again to shut it all down.  Maybe there is fear that I will find my limit. I withdraw when I am in pain. I hide it from others. I try to find all the ways to get rid of it, alone. On my own, I think I do have limits to the pain I can handle. I am not meant to handle it alone. I want to reach out, I want to let others in. The fear of anticipatory pain keeps me silent and withdrawn. I feel like I have shrunk down inside myself, creating a bubble around me. Can I believe I am strong enough to risk connection?

We must risk delight. We can do without pleasure,
but not delight. Not enjoyment. We must have
the stubbornness to accept our gladness in the ruthless
furnace of this world.

-Jack Gilbert, A Brief For The Defense

This week I have been reflecting on my life, past and future. So many times , it has been all I could do to practice gentleness with myself. I am a careful person. I believe that part of myself has been so important in protecting me, getting me to this point. But what if I am strong enough now to not need as much protection? What if I can handle more? I want to believe in myself enough to take risks. I want to risk delight, knowing I can handle disappointment. I want to risk gentleness, knowing my worth is not tied to my productivity. I want to risk creation, knowing the process is more important than the product. I want to risk connection, knowing vulnerability is essential to living. I want to risk presence, knowing I am strong enough to be here.