I know we are a week out from Thanksgiving. It was a hard day for me to be grateful. Trying to be kind with myself and the timing I need.
This week I have thought about how my grief has stayed the same and how it has shifted. I think I have started being less resistant or reluctant to my grief and maybe even loving toward that part of me. I think about where that grief comes from and I feel joy. I experience profound grief because I experienced profound joy. “I get to grieve” instead of “I have to grieve”. That joy and love I got to experience with K and with myself through my connect with K has changed me.
I am grateful the shock of K’s death has lessoned. I can feel grief more without everything going numb. It doesn’t punch me in the gut quite so hard as much. I hope that with practice, I can welcome my grief so it doesn’t have to hit so abruptly to get my attention. Maybe it is like a child that has been trying to wait patiently for assistance and if we don’t respond, they will do what it takes to get our attention.
I am grateful the traumas I experienced right after their death feel less controlling of my inner landscape. I am sure they will still impact me moving forward. I am grateful I have been able to talk about them with safe and supportive people. I can remember who I am and what is true about me.
I read this question today from Andrea Gibson:
What comes to mind when you imagine yourself wildly free?
I imagine myself being safe and loved and secure enough to not live in fear of my humanity. I imagine lightness and curiosity. I imagine capacity to explore discomfort without getting stuck in the fear that it will break me. I imagine being deeply and unshakably in love with me.
Thank you, K, for coming into my life. I am so grateful to have been loved by you.
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