I don’t want to love my sadness. I mean, I want to be happy. I want to be curious. I want to feel expansive. I don’t know how to do those with this new, heavy, and sad me. I know in my head, I will need to integrate this new me to fully live. I just had this vision of this deeply sad part of me standing outside my house in the rain, knocking on the door, asking to come in. And the parts of me already inside are hesitant to let this new part in, like sadness is contagious. We argue we already have sad parts inside, why do we need more. Can’t deeply sad me just not exist? Sigh…this is not how I want to live. I’d argue this isn’t living. This is me being judgement of this new deeply feeling part. This is avoiding the discomfort of risking something scary. This is settling for the known instead of risking openness and vulnerability. There is no peace inside this house right now as my parts whisper and hope one part will just go away.
What if I could change the way this plays out? What if I could write a new story. What if when my deeply grieving part comes to the door and knocks, the parts of me inside the house, get curious about this new part? What if we can follow our hearts even when its scary? What if we can lean into discomfort and asking interesting questions? What might this new part of me know about the world or even about us that we hadn’t thought to explore yet? What if I could welcome this new part of me in, offer me a cup of chai, and a place by the fire and just wait? Where could we go from here?
I am noticing a lightness and curiosity in myself as I type this out. I am sitting here by the fire watching the rain. I want to welcome all my parts, offering them warmth, and safely, and connection. Can I be safe and willing to walk alongside myself through all of this? I imagine how my posture towards all of life could shift, from curled in on myself in a ball on the floor protecting my soft parts with every muscle tense waiting for the blows to standing open and relaxed, ready to dance and move accepting pain and hurt come with living.
To be human is to know sadness. Owning our sadness is courageous and a necessary step in find our way back to ourselves and each other.
Brene Brown, Atlas of the Heart, pg. 107
Humaning is hard, so fucking hard. And yet, I can’t imagine any other way. I don’t want to run from the hard or lock it outside of myself.
Truth is found in the momentsWhen we come back to ourselvesWhen we ride the waves of emotionInstead of getting caught in the swells
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