My first night on my own in months. I walked 30 minutes each way to get my dinner so I could be alone with my thoughts. I listened to the playlist I made with them, full of love, hope, and humanness. As I went down the sidewalk, I cried and  smiled, remembering all the moments, the first time we snuggled, the time I texted them with a song that I couldn’t stop dancing to, or rare mornings we got to linger. I wanted so much more time. I don’t know where I go from here. Each day feels so heavy and hard and also so rich. I experienced something magical with them. New way of seeing myself, of loving myself. They inspire me to live even though my whole being feels so painfully raw. I want to love better, my friends, my family, and the ones that hurt me. I want to love the “no’s” as much as the “yes’s”, not because they feel good but because a “no” might be more intimate than a “yes”. It reveals an edge, a boundary. We are wired for connection. “No’s” are scary to give and to receive because we might lose this life sustaining connection we need to live. It is hard to hold on to oneself when receiving a “no”. It is hard to hold on to oneself when giving a “no”. Both require trusting that we are good inside. For this connection to be good, we both need to be honest about what we want and what we have to offer. If we minimize either, we will hurt ourselves, the other, and the connection between us. Connection can only happen when a “no” is  as much of an option as a “yes”.  I think the connection is less about fulfilling someone else’s needs or having my own need fulfilled but in the revealing of my humanness that happens when I a request and when I given an answer of what I have to offer. When I make a request, I am saying that I believe I am worth the thing I am asking for and I revealing that I have a need. When I give a “no” answer to someone else’s request, I am revealing what I do or don’t have capacity for and I believing I still have worth even when I have limitations on what I can offer.  These beliefs about connection and worth and boundaries began many years ago. These past two months have been a time of intense heat that has refined them. The magic I experienced in the giving and receiving of requests and responses with K is something I can continue to experience with partners, friends, family, and strangers. K had this incredible way of living. I will continue to love them and myself as I process their final “no”