Validating My Needs

Tomorrow is my first preschool drop off since I got the phone call that K is gone. I am full of emotions. I can’t believe its been 2 weeks since K was here last. It feels like just yesterday. When will it stop feeling like just yesterday? And when it does stop feeling like yesterday, will I miss that too? Everyday they get farther and farther away. I feel so torn. I know I can never go back. I know they are gone. I know that chapter has ended and yet I just want to relive it and push pause. I didn’t know it was going to be over so soon.

I am not the same person that I was the last time I took my child to preschool. I don’t quite know what has changed. I thought I was living in the present. I thought I was holding everything with open hands. I thought I wasn’t taking each moment for granted. Was I?

How to live fully by K

• be curious rather than judgmental
• laugh as much as possible
• follow my heart even when its scary
• lean into discomfort
• continue to ask interesting questions
• never settle
• accept the reality that connection come with vulnerability and openness – and the sharing of myself is an opportunity for me to see who is really willing to walk alongside me in all of it, and if someone isn’t willing to do so after my sharing- their loss.
• finding peace with the acceptance of who I am regardless of what others think

I know now it all can end or come crashing down even when I am doing all the things “right” or at least with awareness and somewhat skillfully corrections. It’s felt like maybe what a runner feels like when its been hard and they finally get their rhythm going for a brief moment before crashing to the ground. Maybe they question why they are even running in the first place and if it is worth getting up and trying again. And fuck, this would probably hurt even more if this was a year from now.

I think about the last 2 months. All the times I have been inspired to be curious. All the times I have laughed. All the times I have choose love even when it was scary. All the times I leaned into the discomfort when I wanted to hide or ignore. All the times I continued to ask questions, especially of myself. All the times I wasn’t content with settling with an old version of myself. All the times I said yes to connection and vulnerability and openness. They have been incredible. The most fully alive I have ever felt. Can I continue to feel so alive?

How do I live fully with this grief? Can I be curious about those I know who are also hurting? Can I continue to find reasons to laugh and frolic? Can I trust my heart even knowing it can break again and again, trusting it can also be made anew over and over? Can I lean into the discomfort of allowing my grief to be seen? Can I be honest about the questions I really want to be asking? Can I make space for connection through openness and vulnerability? Can I find peace with who I am regardless of what others thing?

It is important to me that I continue to give myself the space and permission to fully live my grief. It is important to me that I be a peace with allowing this process to take as long as it needs to take. I keep thinking it “should” be better now. That maybe everyone’s support is going to run it’s course. Can I trust that it will still be there for as long as I need? Or maybe the better question is “Can I trust that I can continue to ask for support as long as I need”. Can I continue to validate my own need and trust that their validity doesn’t depend on the ability of those around me to meet them. Needs unmet are still just as valid as needs met.

What do I need this week as I go back into the world? I want to be able to say that life is hard right now. I want to be able to say that last week was rough. I want to be able to experience connection through openness without the need to overshare, justify, or explain. Can I create a space where all of me belongs? Maybe tomorrow I can explore this further.