My Armor is Off

What happens to a heart that is shattered over and over again? How does a heart go on? Why in the midst of this brokenness do I know I will surrender and trust again? Why do I know I would still make the same choices that got me to here? Why don’t I regret this path I have go on, even in the midst of all this pain?

I loved well. I was loved well. I didn’t know that, even then, it may not be enough to keep away the pain and the loss.

My amor is off. Everything feels so much, the pain and the pleasure.

Last night, I got to experience such a delightful evening with friends. I felt joy and lightness, I felt grief and heaviness. I laughed. I cried. I felt held and seen and safe.

I remember a time when feelings were hard to access, both the ones that hurt and the ones that felt good. All I knew was numbness.

I get to feel it all. For that, I am grateful.

I will try to live out your hope for me, Kelsey, to try and trust people to love the real and raw me. That might be the hardest thing I have ever done.

My thoughts and feelings are all so muddled these days. I want to practice just being here.