Most times, I feel life sustaining joy as a caregiver. I love to support, love, care for, and encourage those around me. But if I am honest, there are times when caregiving is triggering. I feel trapped and I panic. I hide in the bathroom while my kids wonder around those house yelling “Mama!” over and over. I get anxious the day before my wife’s surgery as my brain tries to look at the next 3 months of my life and feels overwhelmed. I get afraid of being lost.

I wasn’t taught growing up about the importance of listening to my body, to my physical, emotional, and mental well being. Growing up on a farm, you just kept moving because you had to. Growing up in the church, “selfless” was the highest compliment a women could hope to achieve. So for almost a lifetime, I pushed myself, constantly, to do more and give more.

I thrive on being able to give and serve others, especially my partner and my kids. But I think there are moments when I forget to give myself permission to not go the extra miles and I am triggered by feeling trapped. Trapped that all I am is that role and what I have to offer. Trapped by the lie that I am not enough and can only earn my enoughness through my productivity.

As I reflect back on that moment today where I hid in the bathroom, I am filled with gratitude. Gratitude because I, now, can notice when that is happening. I can feel panic instead of numbness.

I can feel.

My self isn’t silenced anymore. I can be human.