“What if I am too much?”
This questions nags at me everyday. The world told me that selflessness was the most beautiful virtual a women could have. I have been reflecting on the terms selfless and selfish these past few months. Selfless by definition is to be devoid of a self. Whoever decided the best a women could be was to not fully exist? Why have I allowed this message to control my life for over 30 years? Because it is easier. It is easier to spend my mornings cleaning house and folding laundry then to carve out time to shower or meditate or journal. The household runs more smoothly on the surface level when I pour myself out for my partner and my kids. Am I the only one who dies a little inside every time I deny myself and do what I think I should?
Last night, I had a selfish thought. The world’s voice told me it was too much. My beautiful self cried it was perfect. A inner debate quickly ensued leaving me feeling broken and small. I cannot go back to being without a self.
I cried and shared my struggle with my partner. She loved on my beautiful self.
Every single day, I will need to remind myself I am not too much so I can show my kids they are not too much either.
Photo by Jaime Hughes at https://www.birchandolive.com/.
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