Tonight, I tried to walk so fast I left my feelings behind. I didn’t want them. Not sure what I thought would happen on my walk. Maybe I thought I could meditate and calm down. Maybe I thought I would find distraction on the walk. But it didn’t work. I knew 5 mins into the walk it wasn’t going to work but I kept going for 45 mins anyway.  So, here I am, facing my thoughts and feelings with no idea where that is going to lead.

This afternoon, my lovely wife took some well needed time for herself to talk a walk. She came back glowing and excited. She had ran into some new friends we have been trying to connect with. I felt like I should be happy for her. She needed this. But instead, I was jealous she got to see them instead of me. I was envious that she took time for herself. And most of all, I felt so ashamed for feeling all of that. I want to be happy for her but I can’t right now. All I can do is sit here and cry,  struggling with the desire to just fix myself.

But a little voice inside me is reminding me that I am not broken. I don’t need to be fixed.

……………………………………

Dear Jessica, it is ok to be sad. It is ok to be lonely. It is ok to grieve. It is ok to be human. It is ok to not have it all together. It doesn’t make you untruthful to feel sad and lonely in this moment even though you told people even early today that you were doing well. It is ok to not know what you are feeling or why. You don’t need to have answers or explanation. You can just be and that is beautiful. Period. Being doesn’t equal happiness. Being doesn’t equal thriving.   Being is attention.  Being is sinking into the moment no matter what is there. Being is loving yourself as you are. You are human. Human is messy. Messy is beautiful. You are beautiful.

I am beautiful. I am enough.