Today, Ms. K, my son’s preschool teacher stopped by the house for a visit. We had been talking about the visit all day and he was so excited to show her the obstacle course he built. Then when she arrived, his little personality changed. He mumbled when he spoke and often darted around the corner out of sight. He wanted me to do everything for him, especially speak for him.
I tried not to pressure him. I tried to be gentle and patient but inside I was sinking into feelings of failure and embarrassment. I wanted him to be the artistic, bright, and creative self that I see everyday. I wanted to feel pride in my parenting skills. And I hate that I had expected my 4 year old to give me a sense of self worth.
As I reflect on how I felt, I want to get rid of that part of me. I want to ask people to give me a step by step plan that will change me. But maybe I already know what to do. He is his own person. And I am my own person. I need to believe that I have worth and am enough as I am right now, without making any changes. Then moments like that can’t threaten my self worth because my worth is an irrefutable truth. I don’t have to earn it through my own actions or the actions of my children or my wife. And only I can give my child that gift of worth and enoughness as well.
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