This post was a reflection from early December 2019…
After moving to the city two weeks ago, Lily had to leave for a business trip yesterday. I was concerned about my mental stability parenting the kids on my own in a house that still feels a bit chaotic in a place we are still just getting know. I went through my mental checklist of top priority things that needed to be done and just picked one thing…well maybe it wasn’t just one thing since that one thing did kind of have a few prerequisite steps. But to me, it was really just one thing compared to the rest of the list.
A day after the events of Sunday, I am beginning to realize where I might have started to go wrong. In the process of prioritizing this one thing, my mind shifted without me realizing from “This will help me have a better week with the kids” to “This is the only way I can possibly have any hope for a good week with the kids and thus, without this one thing, our week can’t be anything but awful and miserable for all of us”
And so, on Sunday, while trying to accomplish this one thing, I admitted to myself it probably won’t happen. That admission just broke me. In that moment, I became so overwhelmed. I didn’t understand how not accomplishing this one thing could so deeply unhinge me. I felt overwhelmed by anger, hurt, and, frustration. And I hated feeling all of it. I just wanted to turn it off. I wanted to go back to being able to suppress my feelings because feeling all of it was terrifying. I didn’t feel in control and I didn’t know how to get it back. I tried to push through and just get the project done. My body and mind cried out and, eventually, I listened. I stopped pushing forward. I paused.
It was hard to start the conversation. It was hard to put words to what I was feeling but I needed to share them with Lily, even if I used all the wrong words. I didn’t have time or the mental capacity to come up with the best optimal way of sharing my story. I just needed to share it. And Lily listened. She showed up and was present. And she loved me through it.
I gave in to self care. In that moment, it meant giving up on accomplishing the “one thing”. It meant allowing life to be ok even in the midst of what felt like chaos. It meant cancelling plans to hang out with friends because I knew I couldn’t let myself heal if I was also trying to where my hostess hat even for friends I knew could care less if my house was a mess and all I served them was room temperature water. So, the whole family curled up on the couch with blankets at watched Little Women and it was just what my soul needed.
A day later, that one thing still hasn’t been completed but I am one step closer. And I and the kids were able to have many wonderful moments today. That is enough.
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