I am afraid of being honest. After a lifetime of practice, I am pretty good at figuring out what role people want me to play and if I care about what they think of me, I play that role well. Now, at 32, its hard to figure out what parts of me are me and what parts of the roles I have  unintentionally played. As I figure them out, it’s even harder to let go of those roles. They are safe. They are known. I know how people react to them. I don’t know how people will react to me, the real me. It feels like there is so much at stake. What if the real me is rejected? Can I let that go? Can I be at peace with that?

 

I desire to be loved. I desire to be well thought of. And I desire to be me.

 

I cannot have it all.

 

Being a parent of young ones has been humbling. It’s been hard to realize how much other peoples opinions of me affect my parenting. I can see my child and I know what they need but I am afraid of meeting it because what if I am judged for not performing in the socially expected way? Church is hard. My child need to move. I continue to take them each week and we take our seats in a pew. They color, and read, and play. We practice sitting and using quiet voices. And when my children have met their limit, I am learning to practice grace for myself as I follow their needs. A few months ago, I shared with members of my church how much each Sunday is a struggle for me. I would leave most weeks drained, sometimes in tears. I felt lonely and exhausted and I felt like I had failed yet again. I had failed to discipline in the right way. I had failed to get my kids to sit on the stage through the children’s message. I had failed to engage them in the service. I had failed to engage myself in the service. I had failed to be a “perfect” parent. Sunday afternoons ended being one of the hardest times of the week. I was miserable. But that time I shared these struggled with members of my church, my church reassured me that they loved my children. They assured me they remembered being there. They told me to continue to ask. They told me to go of my fears and worries. So, I choose to trust them and have begun to let go of my anxieties. Just last Sunday, as I was singing with the choir on the stage, my children joined me up there. I couldn’t see what they were exploring behind me. I thought about it for a moment but choose to let it go. I was up there to sing and serve. I have to take all the lessons I have learned from others, from books, and from my children and use them in a way that I am comfortable with because I am the one that has to life with my actions and my thoughts. I have a tendency to want to poll others for opinions on what I should do next. My therapist said to me a few weeks ago when I was asking about what to do, “I think you already know what to do.” It feels good to have the validation of others but I need to stop letting that desire for validation be a deciding factor in the choices I make.

Recently, I hosted a birthday party with my sister to celebrate my children’s birthday along with one of her son’s birthday with our extended family, aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandma’s. I asked my wife if she wanted to come. She said she didn’t want to come. At first, I was hurt, offended, and insecure about this. My first thought was “What is everyone at the party going to think?” My first reaction was to put other’s opinions of me before what was really best for Lily and our family. I cared about looking like the perfect family more than being a healthy family.

She has always struggled in large group settings. As an introvert, they are extremely energy draining. Before transitioning, she struggled to play the role she felt like she was expected to fulfill. Now she is going through the slow process of figuring out who she is and what that looks like. She doesn’t have a guidebook on what to do or say. It is mentally and emotionally exhausting. If she came, she would need time the following week to recover. That would take away from the time she had to spend with Avery, and Adeline, and I. I would rather have that time with her.

I am thankful that she continues to teach me to stop being afraid of what other people think.

At that birthday party, Adeline got the book “Oh the Places You Will Go” by Dr. Seuss.

Congratulations! Today is your day, You’re off to Great Places! You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who’ll decide where to go.

You’ll look up and down streets. Look’em over with care. About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there”. With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you’re too smart to go down a not-so-good-street.

And you may not find any you’ll want to go down. In that case, of course, you’ll head straight out of town. It’s opener there in the wide open air. Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew. Just go right along. You’ll start happening too. Oh! The Place You’ll Go!

I love what this book says about navigating life. There are paths/streets that are already planned out.  They feel safe. I know where they go and what results they will bring. I know in general what people think of those who go down them. But I have to give up a little bit of what makes me “me” to stay on them. Instead of conforming, I could just head of out town. It is scary out here in the wide open air. Sometimes it is great and I feel like I flying. Other times it all comes crashing down and I feel stuck or like I am bumping around in the dark afraid to make the wrong choice.  We read this book at least once every day this past week and I love it every time. I hope I can show my kids it’s best to try to be themselves. Trying and failing is a beautiful process. It is the only way I can really learn and grow. There are many helpful voices around us that can keep us safe. I hope I can learn how to better listen to the helpful voices and let go of the hurtful ones so I can in turn teach them.

Everyday is a new chance to be me. Today is my day!

P.S. This past spring we had photos taken of our family. We ended the photo shoot with a campfire. Please enjoy seeing the utter delight I experience when eating a s’more. As a baker it may be seem like an unlikely choice but, if I am totally honest, s’mores are my favorite dessert. Thank you to the talented Jaime Hughes at Birch and Olive for capturing it.