On Sunday, I found my voice and was heard. Why do I feel so sad and lost? This doesn’t feel like a victory. We have a mountain to ascend. It feels like we chose to say “no” to the gondola lift and now have to hike up this mountain together…all of us, those who wanted to ride the gondola and those who said it wasn’t the right fit.
I feel sad about disappointing those who carefully chose this gondola ride for us. We asked them to pick a path forward and they did. And then we realized somewhere along the way, we didn’t communicate some important information. Maybe we didn’t know it was important until we were faced with the decision. But now we know. And now we have decided to forego the easy path. Will those who have chosen once have the heart to choose again? Can both sides say “I’m sorry” for the hurt and the misunderstanding?
I sometimes think about what would have happened if I hadn’t found my voice. What if we had all climbed aboard that gondola together, leading the reluctant ones on? What if we got halfway to the top and someone asked me what was wrong? What if I only then found my voice? Would people feel betrayed that I waited until it was too late to share? Would they feel like I lied to them when I didn’t share the concerns I had until it was too late? Staying silent felt like a lie. I can’t lie. I try so hard to be truthful, and honest, and open. It isn’t me to keep secrets. So I stood up and shared with a trembling voice and tears in my eyes. I shared my concerns which felt so personal and intimate. I shared because I am a part of this community and was making a choice to say “I am here and I am one of you”.
I hope those who are feeling hurt can find forgiveness for us who spoke. I am so sorry for your pain, sadness, and sense of betrayal. I know that you were making the best choices you could. I am sorry that I couldn’t say “yes”. I hope we can rebuild and start again.
I see this hike we are now embarking on will be long. I imagine there will be stumbles, scraped knees, and stubbed toes along the way. I also envision the scenery we might see along the way that we would have missed. I think about the conversations that a slow hike together may allow to surface and linger. I hope we will find healing on the journey. I hope we will end in a better place than we started.
Wow…what eloquent words!! I am glad you are realizing you have a voice…in whatever hike you are on…so often I see people go along on a hike and lose themselves or forget the original map for the hike…ultimately ending up at a different destination…ultimately arriving someplace they never wanted to go. You are so very kind…I can only imagine you share your voice in a kind way too…an inspiration for someone who often forgets to be kind in everything I say. You are right …you are allowed to have a voice…if you are along for a journey…with your family…you want to make sure it’s a journey that will ultimately bring glory to God. At least that is what I am finding on my journey…my actions and those around me need to being glory and honor to God…so that our destination also brings glory and honor to him”)! I am asking myself am I being the best version of the creation God designed me to be? I am finding lots of room for improvement…so I am asking God to help me be the best reflection of the creation he designed in me:-)! I hope you are feeling heard…in whatever your leg of the hike…your words are so very kind and generous:-)! Hugs for your hike!!